'I am the LORD your God… Just think of me as a big brother really
ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.' Or you can worship celebrities and politicians or really any alternative religions you like because who am I to judge really?
TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.' Unless you want to put them in a church or on a t-shirt or those nifty bracelets I still think bumper stickers are out of line though.
THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.' That is unless you hit your thumb with a hammer or are really, really mad. And feel free to use it liberally in music and film because I don’t want to be known as the God who doesn’t support the arts.
FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.' Unless it’s inconvenient to you; I understand the obligations to work and family and heck even having a good time. And to all you preachers; by all means please use this time to express personal beliefs and push political agendas.
FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother Until they become burdensome then put them in a home or don’t bother to check on them or mouch off them until their savings are gone. Oh, make them get a reverse mortgage those are cool.'
SIX: 'You shall not murder.' Unless the person is inconvenient to you or it is state sanctioned. Revenge is always good as well and you can be totally forgiven if you come from an impoverished area or had bad parents.
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.' Unless it is a private act between two consenting adults; I mean who am I to judge what goes on behind closed doors. People have urges, I get it I am a hip God.
EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.' Unless it is by majority vote. Or you have stuff that others don’t and they won’t share. Or It just seems fair to take it from them. Or you come from an impoverished background.
NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.' However if it gets your ass out of a crack why not? I mean who wouldn’t lie? It is only natural to try and protect yourself so how can I really hold you accountable? Especially about sex; who doesn’t lie about sex?
TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.' But then again how else are you supposed to know what you want? Besides I am just a swinging God at heart really.
