The Tourist...
Starring Angelina Jolie and some guy who vaguely resembled Captain Jack Sparrow except older, pasty, and bloated. This really could be a segment of "What you didn't know about the Perpetual Supreme Benevolent Editor." You see the PSEBE has a serious man crush on Angelina Jolie. (Yeah we know...all evidence points to Angelina being female but we are not so sure. So we labeled his affections towards "her" as a man crush.) His infatuation started while watching a horrible movie call Cyborg 2on the USA network Up All Night segment. It was a glorious Saturday night and the PSBE was settled in for the night ready to watch Star Trek. Well as luck would have it the PSBE's favorite show was usurped for some "Emergency" new broadcast. So to punish himself he turned to USA, where they were playing Cyborg 2. Normally they played movies that stopped short of being porn or were so horribly written the PSBE was sure the studios just needed to get rid of old film or needed a tax write off. Sometimes they played some kick ass karate movies. This night they introduced Angelina to the world in a crappy sci-fi movie.
The PSBE has never been the same since. He has watched everything she has been in including crap like Pushing Tin and A Mighty Heart (in which she played a black woman);
as well as pure gold like Original Sin and Gia.
So, with great relish and anticipation he turned on The Tourist. Let's hear his thoughts:
SCM: What did you think?
PSBE: Angelina was beautiful, possibly at her most elegant. The setting was a picturesque Italy and it paled in comparison to her loveliness. She moved through the scenes if on a cloud and her lovely face enveloped the screen in ways you would think only an angel could achieve. Also, she….
SCM: PSBE!
PSBE: Yes?
SCM: What about the movie?
PSBE: Oh, that. It was just short of pure crap. A contrive plot where characters outlandish motives were barely flashed out in fact when the big secret is revealed the plot seemed pointless. It was like a writer saying “look how cleaver I am. I will lull you to sleep and when you do fall asleep I will make a big reveal and since you were asleep and you don’t wan to admit you paid good money to watch a movie and fell asleep you will walk around say what a great twist at the end and how funny it is. In fact it was so funny we should nominate it for best Fu(King comedy at the Golden Globes; and since nobody else wants to admit they could not stay awake they will agree”.
So, there you have it. The Tourist. Watch it, Angelina is in it.
