We at State Controlled Media were feeling nostalgic and decided to watch the ubiquities 80’s movie Romancing the Stone.
It seems every time you turned on the TV it was playing. It was so quintessential 80’s; bad hair, bad clothes and bad music. So, we settled down with a snack and started in on a journey to Cartagena Columbia. Wow, the movie was pure Cheese. At one point we were sure that if a plate of corn tortilla chips were place in front of the official State Controlled Media TV it would turn into a righteous plate of nachos. About a 1/3 of the way through we had seen this movie enough (also we got really bummed that the main characters were younger in the movie than we are right now.) So I looked through the HBO Queue and found The American.
It stars George Clooney as an aging hit man trying to pull off one last job in Italy. This type of description makes us think of only one type of movie:
The Italian Job. The American did not disappoint. First a warning, we will be discussing the movie in great detail and giving away plot points even though it was released in 2010, you may not have seen it and you can stop reading right now (although you may thank us if you keep reading). In the first few minutes George is nearly taken out by a hit man while he and his girlfriend take a stroll on what appears to be a frozen lake. Clooney daftly found cover for him and his paramour. Then, with the skill of a finely honed assassin kills the hit man. Meanwhile the girlfriend is clearly not aware of a reason why someone would want Mr. Clooney dead. He tells her to call the police and when she runs toward their cabin Clooney guns her down! Holy SPIT! Holy SPIT! Holy SPIT! Holy SPIT!
Off to a roaring start! Only ten minutes in and we were on the edge of our seats. Clooney finds the next hit man and takes him out. Then he goes on the run to save his life, as you just saw he will do anything to stay alive. He calls someone (maybe his boss/handler it was never really established) he was given a place to stay and a new assignment. We could not wait to see where it went! Clooney gets to the town and then….
Nothing.
It’s funny that The Never Ending Story came to mind, because that is what this movie felt like. It clocks in at 106 minutes (that’s 1hour 46 minutes for those of you using Math Investigations). It felt longer. I had to check the clock and the movie runtime just to be sure. Sure there was Clooney’s relationship with an Italian hooker which led to gratuitous nudity, which usually enhances any movie. However, I don’t think we needed to see old man butt Clooney. He had workout scenes to show he was in shape but he looked just gaunt. Oh then he died at the end. Everyone was unhappy or dead.
So there you have it. The American… Unhappy or Dead.
