We at State Controlled Media are in the process of developing the Nine Rings of SCM Power. The rings will have invested in them a part of the power of the Perpetual Supreme Benevolent Editor. Once you wear them you will turn your existence over to the PSBE be able to become more powerful in your daily lives and have a supreme grasp of sarcasm, anti-altruism and acerbity . There are only nine so you will need to hurry now.
Also were are forging three special rings. Each ring will be available for sale to our most loyal followers. Each ring contains the powers of the nine plus a little something extra. The rings are as follows:
The Sarcastic Sulfuric Acid Ring: With this ring you will gain a masterful grasp of sarcasm but that is not why it is in the name of the ring. Anytime someone tries sarcasm on the wearer of this ring sulfuric acid will shoot from the ring into the eyes of the offender. (Be sure not to wear the ring backwards!) Example: “Hey nice ring.” (sarcasm implied he didn't really like your new Sarcastic Sulfuric Acid Ring). “Ahhhhhhhhhh! My Eyes!!!!”
See, works like a charm.
The Magnet Ring of Malevolence: The wearer of this ring has the power of malevolence literally at their finger tips. It acts as a polar opposite to those wish the wearer ill will. And then you can magnetize another person to receive any ill will around them.
“Hey, I just finished 300 forms!”
“What do you want, a party?” Button push. (Confetti refills sold separately.)
The PSBE also made a ring for himself. Not being sold anywhere Ash nazg durbatulûk,
Ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk, Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.''
