Telling you what to blog...Build your to-do list

Ok this idea is more challenging than I thought, I started with #3 last week and moved down to #22 because it is easier than 4-21. The to-do list.
 Rather than show an example I thought it may be interesting to show how to craft one. First lets look at a weekday; we all have certain things that have to be done every day. some of those things change depending on time of year and other external factors. So I am not going to be all encompassing here and just look at me. Things that have to happen every weekday. Work, eat, bathroom breaks, sleep, kids to school/activities. Now, other things happen during the day like watching YouTube, reading playing games naps and snacking. so how do you build the list? start with priority of items


1. Work/Kids/Wife  all tied for first; you have to deal with them everyday.


2. Eat/games/bathroom (your priorities may differ)


3. Paint


4. Watching YouTube (or Netflix/TV again personal preference)


5. Reading (cereal box does not count, or text messages-But, this blog DOES!)


6. Nap/snacks


7. Sleep


8. Blog (not really a priority, but hey just trying to give a little love)


Now, just by listing tasks that have to be done and ranking priority; you have created a de facto to-do list.


Everything under one and two are optional and can be replaced with other tasks that need to be accomplished. For the weekend just remove work and swap 7 and 8.

Telling you what to watch...Tarzan, Is it any good?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..cough, cough choke…gag

 

We were stoked to see the new TARZAN movie, you may even say we were Greystoked…sorry laughing at my own joke.

TARZAN was taken as a baby raised by apes, faces a great challenge and wins in the end by using the power of nature…oh, sorry…spoilers. Seriously, if you don’t know TARZAN or what this movie is about then I can’t help you.  So this is going to be a two part review. First the families take and then mine.

 

Mom, wife, kids. “that was awesome! I really liked that. I loved the big Kitties! The CGI was really good.”

 

Family verdict-Good fun movie very enjoyable

 

 

I warn you stop reading now

 

Really don’t go any further

 

You’ll regret it

 

OK, you asked for it

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

 

Why Hollywood? WHY? You assholes! I get it; every movie coming out now is made more for international audiences than the US market. But to make a plot this this with sooooooo many holes in it for the sake of making actors move from one place to another. Wow.

 

And for the love of all that is good please stop using the stupid blue filter on every shot to invoke feeling. Movies have been made for a long time without it and still expressed emotion through, you know, actors and plot!

 

To be fair Alexander Skarsgard did a great job as Tarzan. However, do we have to have the trope of the character with modern sensibilities in the past judging everything?

This movie man, it was immediately evident that it was going to be about the evil white dudes. It was like Inglorious Bastards, ‘let’s pretend historical events didn’t happen that way and everything is awesome!.’ The jungle kicked whities ass and the Belgiums and brits high tailed it back to Europe. Africa lives happily ever after. Um, nope. The movie started with the caption African Congo (this was never a thing.) At this point in time this area was the Kingdom (or Empire)of Kongo and then became the Congo Free State which had a corporation partnership with Belgium to exploit it natural resources. Listen, I don’t want to get to far into this history of Africa; I mean this is TARZAN its not reality. Which is the problem the setting should have been as make believe as the character.

 

Just one more thing

Force Publique in the movie:

 

 

 

Force Publique IRL:

 

 

 

 

 

Final verdict, if you can separate yourself from the realistic wanabe setting you can have fun watching this movie; if you can’t you will hate it. I would have been happier if the movie would have started out with just “Someplace in Africa” and left the historical; stuff behind. Too many plot issues to go into. Screw physics, AND SAM JACKSON RUNNING ACROSS COUNTRY IN HIS LATE SIXTIES KEEPING UP WITH TARZAN!!!!!!!

 

Enjoy

PS: Note every native in Africa in the 1800's was a roided up freak: oh god the blue...make it stop

Telling you what to blog...A guide to chaging the TP

One of the hardest things to do when you are blogging is coming up with Ideas to blog about. Its not as hard if you are genre specific, like a movie blog, cat blog or porn. Even then fresh ideas on the same topic can be taxing. If you like to do a variety of things because you grow tired of everything very fast then you have to figure out a topic and have to make it interesting to boot.  Then I found the post 101 blog post ideas, and I thought ‘great they all suck’...but wait…I have an idea. Every week (Friday or whenever I feel like it or remember to hit the post button [Another aside: sorry to all the post I wrote over the last 2 years and never pressed the button and now they are dated and or irrelevant. {Can anyone offer a suggestion on how to dig yourself out of so many asides?}]). So, I won’t be doing all of them for various reasons, mostly it would be too much work. Or, it would cost money; we are not giving you people anything.

 

First up then: Make a comprehensive guide/tutorial

 

OK

 

We can do this

 

What to do when you need to change toilet paper roll.

 

Section one triage:

 

1. Determine if there is a spare roll with you (if yes skip to section 2)
2. If no, evaluate the type of evacuation that had taken place an potential cleanup ramifications; i.e. self, clothes, carpet
3. If no role and clean-up is an issue you can shower or use clothes to wipe and discard immediately.
   1. Alternatively yell for help if available
       

Section two; application of new roll:

1. Remove remnants of last roll
2. Put new roll on dispenser so that the tissue is feed over the top (there is on ly one correct way to do this, see reference photo bellow)
   1. Alternatively place roll on sink, wait for someone else to put on dispenser
3. Enjoy the aesthetics of a properly affixed toilet tissue roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The original patent shows the only correct way to do this.

 

Telling you what to drink...What is that flavor edition

Like most people we at State Controlled Media are addicts. Weather it is editor #6 Beanie Baby addiction, editor #12's dirt eating, editor 21 reading addiction or editor #4's issues (you don't want to know) we all have something. Yours truly loves the caffeine. part of that love is too drink lots of beverages that give you the fix. (except coffee, all you coffee swillers are disgusting heathens).

So in the spirit of doing as much damage to your system as you can y drinking a can of carbonated chemicals we are drinking a Monster for you.

Having consumed a lot of these I have my favorites. However the chance to try a new flavor is always fun.

So, we were presented with the above can. Camouflage that has to taste good right? I was expecting something mossy that smelled of patchouli oil. No.

I cracked the top and was greated by a smell that can only be described as old lady citrus. Now, most energy drinks don't smell great so I was not put off.

I took a pull.

What

The

HELL

is that?

Drink number two. No, this is not right.

Unsure of what it was I was drinking I poured some in a glass, Wow it looks like mountain dew.

I drank half the can still trying to put it together then I realized the can is the key, the pattern reminded me of something:



Now it wasn't watermelon I was tasting but it was definitely  melon, and lime. Pretty sure it was lime.


So there you have it. It looks like Mountain Dew and tastes like honeydew.
Verdict We didn't like it, you might; but you also could be doing what editor #4 is doing, you sick sick person you...

Telling you what to watch...Independance Day!

We Love Independence Day! It was a great movie, it what movies should be. A big spectacle with good actors and beautifully made. It is not what cinephiles would call art but the large movie going population wants to pay to see. The acting was so good, witty dialogue, a new concept for the plot that had not been done to death, the theme was simple; survival.  That movie kick started the disaster movie genre, gave us Will Smith as big box office draw,  it had a kick as soundtrack. the only thing that it didn't give us was a bare chested Jeff Goldblum (guess only Spielberg has that kind of vision).

So twenty years later we went to see the sequel, We were excited. twenty years to build off the lore of a locust alien race that gave us lines like this:  

President Whitmore: I know there is much to learn from each other if we can make a truce. We can find a way to Co-exist. can there be a peace between us?
Alien: Peace? NO PEACE!
President Whitmore: What is it you want us to do?
Alien: Die…die…

The movie was full of great lines like that:

Albert Nimzicki: Two words, Mr. President: "Plausible deniability".

Anchorman: Once again, the L.A.P.D. is asking Los Angelenos not to fire their guns at the visitor spacecraft. You may inadvertently trigger an interstellar war.  

Julius Levinson: What's the matter with you?
David Levinson: Genius.

And "welcome to Earth, What the hell is that smell?, I know you just didn't shot the green shit at me, I guess I'll leave this with you"

Sorry, back to the sequel

We are sorry to say that it seems the only thing the sequel gave us was a lighter wallet. It followed a disturbing trend in  Hollywood called "lets pretend the other move didn't happen that way" or "the writers never saw the first move" syndrome. (for more information on this check with our friend Auntie Meme [full disclosure, she is not really a friend; we are kind of stalking her]) The plot went from an alien race that moves its civilization from planet to planet, using up resources and leaving destruction in its wake to a mining operation. It went from a biblical disaster flick to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The CGI was cartoon quality, it didn't seem to react to the environment. The acting was cartoon quality; it didn't seem to react to the environment. The dialogue was cartoon quality, the words didn't seem to react to the environment. It was a bad movie, not just because we loved the first one so much but it wasn't good. The new characters were one trick ponies and mostly annoying. You couldn't really root for any of them outside of they were good looking. the new side kicks were even more annoying and had no purpose.

And still no Shirtless Goldblum

SuperNatural Awarness...Troglodytes

Troglodytes

 

 

Troglodytes are humanoid reptilian creatures they have basic intelligence. They stand about 5ft in height, have a basic humanoid shape, they have three fingers and a thumb. The skin is tough leathery and they have lizard like tail and talons on their feet. Their skin pigment tones have the ability to change colour to match their surroundings much like that of a chameleon.
Troglodytes are a feudal race having warring tribes. They have very basic technology; they construct crude weapons such as flint axes and javelins. They are ferocious creatures that hunt down other creatures for meat. They were said to raid human settlements to capture the young for food.


Oh, and if you want to Google an image be careful or you will find things like this:

Yes, that is a chimp peeing.

Suppernatural awarness-Clurichaun

Clurichaun

The Clurichaun is the Leprechaun’s obscure drunken cousin


The Clurichaun is thought to be the surly drunken cousin of the famous Irish Leprechaun. Clurichauns are supposed to protect your wine cellar if you treat them well – but if you do not, they mess up your house and spoil your wine
.
If you incur the wrath of a Clurichaun by stealing wine or being a drunkard, he will torment you endlessly, hiding in a cask to follow you wherever you move.

So basically, this is the brother-in-law of the Leprechaun world