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Bad Movies

(and We are not talking about Cameron Diaz movies)

 

 

 

Mrs. PSBE and I went to see a movie called “Now You See Me” to celebrate our 17^th anniversary. This is not a review of that move. (I liked it, then hated it.) Then last night We sat down for family movie night and watched “Life of Pi” (good flick if a little sappy). These movies got me thinking so no, this is not a movie review but a critique of the movie industry as a whole. More good movies have been coming out lately; and by good we mean entertaining, not thought provokiing, not art, ENTERTAINMENT. The Acadamy awards still suck, but that is for another day. Cinema is on the verge of being ruined by a technology meant to enhance the viewing pleasure. It is making modern films almost unwatchable.

Years ago, I was a mild fan of Brittney Spears. (insert mocking here, I'll wait)...........Done Yet?

Anyway, I enjoyed her first album that is until the PSBE brother-in-law pointed out that Ms. Spears had a groan/moan/throatclearing sound she made before almost every line of music she sang. After he pointed it out, I no longer could listen to her music without hearing it. Why do I bring this up? Because I am about to do to you for movies what he did to me for Britney. If you would like to go on enjoying your movies stop reading now.

You were warned. 3-D is killing the movies. I do not watch a lot of movies in 3-D. I really like the modern High-Def movie screens and killer surround sound that theaters have. So I tend to notice, or have noticed that movies are not geared to take advantage of my preferred viewing habit. It is even more prevalent when I watch movies at home on a much smaller screen. The perspective in modern film is pointed right at you. Many movies are made with the 3-D effect in mind therefore they need things to fly at you. Swords, balls, tigers (Life of PI I'm talking to you) something/anything to make the 3-D genre viable. If you are watching a movie in 3-D that really shouldn't be in 3-D it helps make you feel less guilty about paying to much to see it; however not needed or out of place it seems. Once you realize what they are doing it takes you out of the moment and the film can be lost to you.

It is really agrevating when you are watching a movie in the theater that was clearly meant for 3-D (most animated movies that come out now, I am talking to you) that has one sight gad after another that the movie either runs to long or any sense of a story gets interrupted for the sole purpose of launching something at the audience. Want proof? Look for this:

It happens a lot now. It is a cheap way to get the 3-D moment to the viewers. AS much as I hate the constant pointing at me and the lack of cinematic perspective there is something even more insidous and vile happening.

When a movie is in 3-D and has no business being in 3-D. It was not designed nor intended by the film makers to be in 3-D. The studio head says, “hey this is a block buster movie we have to release it in 3-D!” I have one question, have you ever seen 3-D glasses? It looks something like this:

No matter what you do the glasses darken the viewing experience, and if you are going to see a film that is DARK it can make the screen a little hard to see. If the movie is not rendered for 3-D and it was a cheap cash grab by the studio or the theater doesn't have the equipment to show the movie correctly (Goodrich Quality Theaters, I am talking to you) then it takes away from the experience rather than adding to it. Then you wear glasses for three hours for no reason. Unless...

Still that is not the worst part. The movies that have been released or re-released (talking to you Star Wars!!) that have no potential for good 3-D experience. In fact some movies can have as little as 20% of the film in actual 3-D rendering. Next time you watch a 3-D movie lift up your glasses. The blurrier the picture the more 3-D effect is being used. Sometimes you can lift your glasses and the picture is perfectly clear (Star Wars, Toy Story 3)! The clarity and depth you are seeing at that moment is being enjoyed by all the people one theater over in High-Def 2-D for a fraction of the cost.

AN I am stuck watching a movie with things pointing/flying at my face for no good reason. 

You searched for What…

This last month some poor unsuspecting people searched for

something that is not this blog and wound up here anyway.

 Bellow are our favorite searches that brought people into SCM:

real mole people

30 rock from the sun

naked men

naked chicks blogspot

and the PSBE’s favorite:

olivia wilde in time scene

So no matter how you got here, Welcome!

Telling you what to watch...

Django: Unchained

So, we at State Controlled Media have been watching a lot of cinema these days. We like movies, we don’t have to have a reason to watch one but on this particular night the Perpetual Supreme Benevolent Editor and Mrs. PSBE  had a date night. We had a romantic dinner (WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S ALL WE GET FOR $50!!?!?!) and decided to go see a movie about  a man who was so desperately in love with his wife that he would doing anything to get her back after being separated by forces out of their control. (at least that is how I described it to the wife.)

So we get to the theater and the inevitable happens. I have to pee. I make my way to the men’s room (Still waiting on the private facilities just for the PSBE) to do my business. It was flooded. Not with a stream of anxious men hoping to recycle the big $8 soda they drank in an efficient manner in order to go back to the movie they are missing. No, it had a waft of standing water mixed with urine, spit and maybe discarded chewing tobacco (at least we hope the brown floaty stuff was tobacco).  There were only two options, pee right there on the bathroom floor turned pseudo  toilet or trudge in use the urinal and burn my shoes.

My feet squeaked on the way back to my seat. I forgot to burn my shoes, and now I can’t remember what pair I wore. SCM headquarters is contaminated…

Django Unchained stars  this guy:

No This Guy:

He is held captive by a white Hitman who makes him do his bidding:

No that’s not right. The guy in Django can act. 

 Listen, it was a great movie that made white people squirm at the blatant racism being thrown in their faces and making people feel something in a movie is a good thing. It was a gross movie but after the theater bathroom I was unfazed.

So go see it.   (P.S. Leonardo DiCrappro dies in the movie and that is also always a good thing)

Telling You What to Watch...

We at State Controlled Media Were compiling our Best Christmas Movies Ever This Year list; while we were doing that we decided to check out some HBO. Turns out there is a movie starring Justin Timberlake on; In Time is a Sci-Fi thriller about the future of mankind. I mean the movie poster is epic! How could this movie not rock? The plot goes like this, when we turn 25 we stop aging and we only live one more year; that is unless you work, or gamble, or fight for more time. When you run out of time you jkust die out the spot. Money is gone and everything you need comes at the cost of your life, albeit in small increments. Justin’s mom was played by Olivia Wilde, yes that Olivia Wilde (Or more precise this one):

 (she is supposed to be 50 in the movie)

You ask how the movie could not have a huge Oedipus Rex conundrum. Well they did and they quickly solved it by killing mom off. Justin then meets Amanda Seyfried and they decide to take justice in their own hands and redistribute time to everyone. They proclaim that no one should live forever and all have the right to life! They were like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde mixed with a little Robinhood and spoiled daddy’s girl…Oh Amanda was a rich girl and her daddy had over a million years of time which they stole.

The protagonists are a cop with no motivation to continue his dogged chase other than he is supposed to and a gang member who steals time. The cop has a great confrontation with our heroes toward the end when all three are about out of time, but then he just dies and all the other cops just give up enforcing the law. We still had hope for the gangster though. Through the whole movie the characters referenced “fighting” for time. Justin said his dad died accidentally fighting for time. He promised his mother he would never go to the fights. Then in his confrontation with the gangster he has to fight. I cannot describe what the fight was so I am going to show you a picture:

Ok so we lied, you can describe it. They shook hands. They shook hands until one of them died!

The movie lost all creditability with us. We are sure there was some existential point about how we are NOW trading our life for stuff and junk we don’t need, and no matter how well we do, things just get harder to compensate. Doesn’t matter. They shook hands. The epic showdown was a cordial greeting.

So watch In Time and the part where the showdown happens just close your eyes and imagine this:

Things that make you go....

What the hell did I just see???!?!?!?!?

The following story is true (unlike most things we say). No exaggeration was needed.

There we were Mrs. PSBE and Myself. watching a television program, recorded on DVR so we could view it a a reasonable time as opposed to when the big corporations demand that we watch it. and at the end of the show there was the news promos. We saw this:

Some of the context is lost so let me paint you a picture. These two hard-working gentlemen are cleaning dead deer carcasses of the road. The banner you see says More Meals. and right about when I hit pause to snap this photo  the anchor man was saying "there are now more meals for the elderly in Mid Missouri". We wil let you draw your own conclusions.

For the Last Time, Its Merry Christmas...

For the Last Time, Its Merry Christmas!!!

　

It is at this time of year that whenever I hear Happy Holidays, I get mad. I know that it is an attempt at corporations to squeeze as much money out of us exploiting our religious beliefs while making it generic enough not to offend people who don’t think/believe the same as me. Ass. Everyone knows that Happy Holidays is an assault on Christians everywhere! Christmas is the pinnacle of our faith and is universally recognized by true believers!

SCM Staff: Uh PSBE, actually the most strict religious sect in the history of the United States the Puritans were opposed to celebrating Christmas, in fact they outlawed it (I.e. it was illegal to celebrate). They said there was no scriptural justification for the holiday and it was a paganism and Idolatry. It wasn’t until the federal government made it a national holiday that the most Christian of Christians acquiesced.

UH, Well it still isn’t right. we have moved on from that and it wasn’t until the nogoodnic Perry Como started singing that song Happy Holidays in the 50’s hat the phrase started to take hold. And that album Season’s Greetings from Perry Como, How secular can you get? Don’t even get me started on season’s greetings!

SCM Staff: Actually, that song was written by Irving Berlin…

PSBE: HAH! Berlin! Told you! NAZIS!

SCM Staff: Uh Huh, anyway, It was written for Bing Crosby in 1942 for the movie Holiday Inn

PSBE: Bing?

SCM Staff: Yes. Furthermore, Happy Holidays was first seen in print in 1890 in Good Housekeeping…

PSBE: Liberal Media!

SCM Staff: Yeah…also Season’s Greetings goes back a long ways as well and has been used by many U.S Presidents as the main holiday greeting to encompass Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Even Dwight D Eisenhower used it.

PSBE: IKE?!

SCM Staff: Indeed. Season’s Greetings became popular in Victorian England as a less bawdy and offensive way to wish someone a Merry Christmas, you know as public merriment was considered lewd behavior. In Fact many religious groups over the years have proclaimed that using the term Christmas was blasphemy as the feel that it is taking the lords name in vain.

PSBE: Saying Merry Christmas breaks a commandment?

SCM Staff: Maybe. Additionally if you got rid of Season’s Greetings and Happy Holidays. You might as well get rid of most other Christmas traditions as well.

PSBE: No, no, no. It is in the bible that we have to celebrate the birth of Jesus by sitting around a tree in our house that is mimicking being on fire while we chant songs and hope a man will come bearing gifts to reward us for good behavior.

SCM Staff: Um, PSBE its not in there.

PSBE: Its not?

SCM Staff: No, in fact the church moved the Christmas date to December to encompass those very pagan ceremonies you just described, hoping more people would convert if they got to keep there rituals. Like the Yule log.

PSBE: What do you mean?

SCM Staff: The Yule celebration was a tradition of Anglo-Saxon Paganism. The ancient Nords would burn a giant log (the Yule Log) and celebrate for days until the fire was extinguished, signifying the start of winter.

PSBE: So what you are saying is that Happy Holidays has been around a long time and has never been an attempt to secularize a quasi pagan celebration, and that Season’s Greeting is a much more conservative and restrictive season’s blessing. And that maybe its not such a bad thing to have a greeting that is inclusive and doesn’t cause people to be separated at a wonderful time of year and that maybe by being inclusive instead of confrontational about what we believe others may be swayed to becoming interested as to why when we say Happy Holidays we really mean it and there is power in the words?

SCM Staff: Sure, Merry X-Mas PSBE

PSBE: Happy Boxing Day staff!