We at State Controlled Media feel that this post will be very unpopular. WE have to dispel A LOT of false beliefs about vampires. First of all the ladies generally hate and are repulsed by vampires. The only reason people think vampires have all this magnetism and prowess is that vampires long ago started writing fiction about how cool they are (the Perpetual Supreme Benevolent Editor tried this but he is generally such a distasteful person no one actually believed it). You have been exposed to them. Ask yourself this, did you ever have a boss that could suck the energy right out of a room? A vampire. Did you ever know a guy who could suck the fun out of any party? A vampire. Did you ever know any children that sucked the life right out of you? Vampires all.
If only vampires drank your blood and then mercifully killed you. God forbid you marry a vampire and they suck your life away for years if not forever. And what’s worse, and possibly the most insidious, is that you can’t tell just by looking at them. Many of them never smile and are generally dislikable people. Others though smile and take great pleasure removing joy form your life. The often will take on the roll of a facilitator of a good time then manipulate the circumstances so that it is impossible to enjoy yourself making the situation all the more frustrating. Here are some common vampire guises to watch for:
-Bosses- almost all bosses are vampires of some kind.
-Annoying neighbors-Mowing to early/late, obnoxious dogs (really hellhounds we will cover later), always “Dropping by” at the worst time, borrowing your stuff which then becomes there’s…we could go on.
-A new entry—needy facebook friends-people you have never met or not seen in 20 years demaning responses to their juvenile game requests or asinine posts “OH how clever are you?” or worse yet “please read my BLOG!!!”
-Small children-most children are born life suckers and eventually grow out of it.
-That guy-You know who I am talking about, when he shows up everyone whispers “who invited ‘That Guy’?”
-Oh Her-the center of gossip only revealed as the antagonist at the last second.
What you can do: Funny that this should have made it into the lore but Garlic it the number one Vampire prevention tool. They feed off a good time unless it has to do with flavorful feasting. The odors are too strong. You can also hide in a restroom when confronted by a vampire. A wooden stake through the heart is not necessary but it will make you feel better to ensure the SOB is good and dead. We need more research to decide whether or not holy water is better that the blessed garden hose. The Sun/UV lights only work because a lot of vampires are redheads and freckle easy. We have received anecdotal evidence that lead bullets work as well as silver but why risk it.
There is so much more to know about vampires but now you have the basics you can defend yourself accordingly. If you still have trouble spotting vampire remember, male and female vampires alike are drawn to extremely attractive people and will make complete asses of themselves.
Good luck,
Stay tuned for part three…hellhounds
