Telling you what to watch...Stranger Things Pt1

So the Mrs wanted to know why I had not reviewed Stranger Things; a new series on Netflix. The reason is I have not yet finished watching it. It is hard to tell you if something is worth your valuable time if I am not even halfway through it yet. However, this series is a bit different. I suggest you go watch it right now if you are a fan of Stephen King, John Carpenter, Steven Spielberg, 80's horror films, or 80s Sci-fi. There are so many easter eggs, nods too and homages that you will be dizzy trying to keep up. From the title card and theme music I was hooked. I have seen references too Jaws, The Thing, Poltergeist, It, Cujo, Stand By Me, Needful Things, ET, old video games, Fire Starter. The plot seamlessly weaves through all of this so it fits together and stands well on its own as a horror story. It would be a good story with out all the trimmings but the extra coat of nostalgia really sells it. And that's why you should watch before I find out if the show takes a giant fall. You will get a kick out of the story and characters and the setting and all the little details, at least for the first 5 episodes.

Telling you what to eat???

Spirulina Dream...spirulina...I went to the store to buy some cookies, so of course I bought a handful of protein bars, pickles chocolate milk and a few other things. SPIRULINA. I am a man who lives off protein bars, so every time I see a new kind I am almost compulsively driven to purchase them. Also, when I see something different than; peanut butter, peanut butter chocolate, chocolate peanut butter, mint, mint chocolate, chocolate chip, chocolate chip cookie dough, brownie, fudge brownie and salted caramel (which is usually a brownie bare with or without chocolate chips  with caramel drizzle over the top). spirulina.


I tore into the package as you can see above saw the color and Immediately googled Spirulina, feel free to click the link to read about it yourself. Its algae. it gives the bar a delightful deep green color.





It smells fruity with a hint of nuttiness. So I took a bite. What is that flavor? Second bite...no I know this flavor it tastes kind of like cashew cookie from Lara bar

If you look the two bars (aside from the green) (Hah, I referenced an aside in an aside). The two bars taste a lot alike, but the Spirulina is a lot greasier/oily texture. and reminds me of something...something...ahhh hahh!

SO there you have it, try a Spirulina Dream and decide for yourself?

Telling you what to watch...A tail of two movies

The Mrs and I had night to watch a couple of movies and enjoy some pizza. The movie we watched were in order: London Has Fallen and Spy

London has Fallen Synopsis

Secret Service agent  Mike Banning finds himself trapped London  in the wake of a terrorist attack; using his inside knowledge, Banning works with MI6 to rescue the President from his kidnappers.

What's that? it sounds familiar? Ahhh...I see what you have done. You have confused London has Fallen with this:

See its totally different; in Olympus has Fallen Secret Service agent (and former presidential guard) Mike Banning finds himself trapped inside the White House in the wake of a terrorist attack; using his inside knowledge, Banning works with national security to rescue the President from his kidnappers. Duh.

After thinking about it I am almost Sure the VP played by Morgan Freeman is working with the Terrorists to gain the Presidency

My opinion: Awful movie, just awful the plot made no sense. believability was out past Pluto and then was downgraded to a dwarf plot. The only interesting part was the Mike Banning character was really stabby...really stabby

Overall the movie had a silly plot, ridiculous physics, nonsense dialogue and giant leaps of logic.

Don't waste your time.

SPY Synopsis

(Full Disclosure I really dislike Paul Feig and Melisa McCarthy movies)

Spy is a movie written and directed by Paul Feig and staring Melisa McCarthy. Paul Feig is best known for directing movies like Bridesmaids, The Heat, and the new Ghostbusters re-boot. Melisa McCarthy is best known for staring in movies like Bridesmaids, The Heat, and the new Ghostbusters re-boot.

First the reason I watched, A lot of people I trust vouched for this movie as a good funny movie. So I gave it a watch. The poster and trailers do not give an accurate feel for what this movie is about. Overall the movie had a silly plot, ridiculous physics, nonsense dialogue and giant leaps of logic.

Give it a watch, you will really enjoy it. It is not Hot Fuzz funny but what is?

So there you go...what's that? You are saying I basically gave the same review for both movie recommended one and shit on the other?

Well one was taking itself really serious couched in the guise of a movie with political overtones. In doing so it made me call bullshit. The other was a comedy a farce it made no bones about it. That's why I can recommend it.

Telling You what to Drink...Mtn Dew Black Label

Ahhh...Mountain Dew. The official drink of State Controlled Media. That being said we don't really like all the variations of the drink. They all seem to be a mix of Hibiscus tea and hummingbird feed. So you can't blame us when we weren't too excited when we saw this; that being said we did only contemplate buying it for all of a half second before it was in our cart. The official description is a berry drink with craft bitters.

The Berry part...GRAPE.

To be succinct the Dew is Dew with grape juice and what can be best described as this:

a Sour Patch Kid. I have to say I didn't hate it, I actually liked it (the Mrs did not). Having said that; I haven't bought any more and I doubt I will. I liked it I would drink it again but only if it magically showed up without having to make any effort to acquire it.

Having said that you should try it.

There a review of a contradictory drink with contradictory flavors and a contradictory endorsement. 

Telling you what to blog...Motivational Post

Lets face it famous people are smarter, better looking and more intelligent than you. I mean when was the last time you said anything anyone wanted to repeat...that wasn't testimony in a court?


So:

#10 Write inspirational/motivational post with famous quotes 


A few quotes from your betters


“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”  Oscar Wilde


"Hard work never killed anyone; but why take a chance" Edgar Bergin


"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”        Albert Einstein


“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”  
    Mark Twain


“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”        Douglas Adams


“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!”       Charles M. Schulz


“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”       W.C. Fields


“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”  
    Jane Austen


“I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”  
    Edgar Allan Poe


So there. Go forth and be inspired. What you expected something else from this guy?

On a side note while researching this post; the past had way better smart-asses than the present. Sardonic has been replaced with mean-spirited.

Telling you what to watch....Mr. Holmes Is it any good?

The Mrs and I took the children and my mother to see the Tarzan movie (See Review here). After I gave my  somewhat subdued Critique She proclaimed "you just don't like movies anymore".


Well, guess what? I do, I loved Mr. Holmes. Full disclosure, I am a huge Sherlock fan and have watched a lot of renditions of the character. I have read all the stories several times. He is one of my favorite fictional characters.


This movie, taken at face value, is about an aging Sherlock, about 93 or so, who has lost or is losing his mental prowess. He is desperate to solve his last case. It was a case he had already solved and made him want to retire 30 years prior, only now he cannot remember why he chose to live in isolation on the coast raising bees.


So many subtleties, so delicate of story. The pacing the characters, the dialog, were superb. There was a great moment where Mr. Holmes evaluates what it means to be  Sherlock Holmes.

It is demonstrating the benign act of aging through the absurd character of Holmes. It has nothing to do with a detective story that is why it is a case he already solved. It is everything to do with a person being old and dealing with it.

Now I had another theory, What if this was not a story about and Aging Sherlock Holmes but just a rich old man in his dotage who thinks he is Sherlock. Parts of the movie where other characters call him by his name could be using it ironically (you know like some one says "no shit Sherlock), especially at a time when this type of aging was not dealt with.  after a quick second viewing, the theory does hold up. I don't know if the movie makers intended this or not.

No matter which way you look at it, it is a elegant story, and very touching. It is out on DVD, I suggest watching it.

 

And now a moment with Editor #4...

PSBE Note: These are all real interactions with Editor #4

Telling you what to blog...Build your to-do list

Ok this idea is more challenging than I thought, I started with #3 last week and moved down to #22 because it is easier than 4-21. The to-do list.
 Rather than show an example I thought it may be interesting to show how to craft one. First lets look at a weekday; we all have certain things that have to be done every day. some of those things change depending on time of year and other external factors. So I am not going to be all encompassing here and just look at me. Things that have to happen every weekday. Work, eat, bathroom breaks, sleep, kids to school/activities. Now, other things happen during the day like watching YouTube, reading playing games naps and snacking. so how do you build the list? start with priority of items


1. Work/Kids/Wife  all tied for first; you have to deal with them everyday.


2. Eat/games/bathroom (your priorities may differ)


3. Paint


4. Watching YouTube (or Netflix/TV again personal preference)


5. Reading (cereal box does not count, or text messages-But, this blog DOES!)


6. Nap/snacks


7. Sleep


8. Blog (not really a priority, but hey just trying to give a little love)


Now, just by listing tasks that have to be done and ranking priority; you have created a de facto to-do list.


Everything under one and two are optional and can be replaced with other tasks that need to be accomplished. For the weekend just remove work and swap 7 and 8.

Telling you what to watch...Tarzan, Is it any good?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..cough, cough choke…gag

 

We were stoked to see the new TARZAN movie, you may even say we were Greystoked…sorry laughing at my own joke.

TARZAN was taken as a baby raised by apes, faces a great challenge and wins in the end by using the power of nature…oh, sorry…spoilers. Seriously, if you don’t know TARZAN or what this movie is about then I can’t help you.  So this is going to be a two part review. First the families take and then mine.

 

Mom, wife, kids. “that was awesome! I really liked that. I loved the big Kitties! The CGI was really good.”

 

Family verdict-Good fun movie very enjoyable

 

 

I warn you stop reading now

 

Really don’t go any further

 

You’ll regret it

 

OK, you asked for it

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

 

Why Hollywood? WHY? You assholes! I get it; every movie coming out now is made more for international audiences than the US market. But to make a plot this this with sooooooo many holes in it for the sake of making actors move from one place to another. Wow.

 

And for the love of all that is good please stop using the stupid blue filter on every shot to invoke feeling. Movies have been made for a long time without it and still expressed emotion through, you know, actors and plot!

 

To be fair Alexander Skarsgard did a great job as Tarzan. However, do we have to have the trope of the character with modern sensibilities in the past judging everything?

This movie man, it was immediately evident that it was going to be about the evil white dudes. It was like Inglorious Bastards, ‘let’s pretend historical events didn’t happen that way and everything is awesome!.’ The jungle kicked whities ass and the Belgiums and brits high tailed it back to Europe. Africa lives happily ever after. Um, nope. The movie started with the caption African Congo (this was never a thing.) At this point in time this area was the Kingdom (or Empire)of Kongo and then became the Congo Free State which had a corporation partnership with Belgium to exploit it natural resources. Listen, I don’t want to get to far into this history of Africa; I mean this is TARZAN its not reality. Which is the problem the setting should have been as make believe as the character.

 

Just one more thing

Force Publique in the movie:

 

 

 

Force Publique IRL:

 

 

 

 

 

Final verdict, if you can separate yourself from the realistic wanabe setting you can have fun watching this movie; if you can’t you will hate it. I would have been happier if the movie would have started out with just “Someplace in Africa” and left the historical; stuff behind. Too many plot issues to go into. Screw physics, AND SAM JACKSON RUNNING ACROSS COUNTRY IN HIS LATE SIXTIES KEEPING UP WITH TARZAN!!!!!!!

 

Enjoy

PS: Note every native in Africa in the 1800's was a roided up freak: oh god the blue...make it stop

Telling you what to blog...A guide to chaging the TP

One of the hardest things to do when you are blogging is coming up with Ideas to blog about. Its not as hard if you are genre specific, like a movie blog, cat blog or porn. Even then fresh ideas on the same topic can be taxing. If you like to do a variety of things because you grow tired of everything very fast then you have to figure out a topic and have to make it interesting to boot.  Then I found the post 101 blog post ideas, and I thought ‘great they all suck’...but wait…I have an idea. Every week (Friday or whenever I feel like it or remember to hit the post button [Another aside: sorry to all the post I wrote over the last 2 years and never pressed the button and now they are dated and or irrelevant. {Can anyone offer a suggestion on how to dig yourself out of so many asides?}]). So, I won’t be doing all of them for various reasons, mostly it would be too much work. Or, it would cost money; we are not giving you people anything.

 

First up then: Make a comprehensive guide/tutorial

 

OK

 

We can do this

 

What to do when you need to change toilet paper roll.

 

Section one triage:

 

1. Determine if there is a spare roll with you (if yes skip to section 2)
2. If no, evaluate the type of evacuation that had taken place an potential cleanup ramifications; i.e. self, clothes, carpet
3. If no role and clean-up is an issue you can shower or use clothes to wipe and discard immediately.
   1. Alternatively yell for help if available
       

Section two; application of new roll:

1. Remove remnants of last roll
2. Put new roll on dispenser so that the tissue is feed over the top (there is on ly one correct way to do this, see reference photo bellow)
   1. Alternatively place roll on sink, wait for someone else to put on dispenser
3. Enjoy the aesthetics of a properly affixed toilet tissue roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The original patent shows the only correct way to do this.

 

Telling you what to drink...What is that flavor edition

Like most people we at State Controlled Media are addicts. Weather it is editor #6 Beanie Baby addiction, editor #12's dirt eating, editor 21 reading addiction or editor #4's issues (you don't want to know) we all have something. Yours truly loves the caffeine. part of that love is too drink lots of beverages that give you the fix. (except coffee, all you coffee swillers are disgusting heathens).

So in the spirit of doing as much damage to your system as you can y drinking a can of carbonated chemicals we are drinking a Monster for you.

Having consumed a lot of these I have my favorites. However the chance to try a new flavor is always fun.

So, we were presented with the above can. Camouflage that has to taste good right? I was expecting something mossy that smelled of patchouli oil. No.

I cracked the top and was greated by a smell that can only be described as old lady citrus. Now, most energy drinks don't smell great so I was not put off.

I took a pull.

What

The

HELL

is that?

Drink number two. No, this is not right.

Unsure of what it was I was drinking I poured some in a glass, Wow it looks like mountain dew.

I drank half the can still trying to put it together then I realized the can is the key, the pattern reminded me of something:



Now it wasn't watermelon I was tasting but it was definitely  melon, and lime. Pretty sure it was lime.


So there you have it. It looks like Mountain Dew and tastes like honeydew.
Verdict We didn't like it, you might; but you also could be doing what editor #4 is doing, you sick sick person you...

Telling you what to watch...Independance Day!

We Love Independence Day! It was a great movie, it what movies should be. A big spectacle with good actors and beautifully made. It is not what cinephiles would call art but the large movie going population wants to pay to see. The acting was so good, witty dialogue, a new concept for the plot that had not been done to death, the theme was simple; survival.  That movie kick started the disaster movie genre, gave us Will Smith as big box office draw,  it had a kick as soundtrack. the only thing that it didn't give us was a bare chested Jeff Goldblum (guess only Spielberg has that kind of vision).

So twenty years later we went to see the sequel, We were excited. twenty years to build off the lore of a locust alien race that gave us lines like this:  

President Whitmore: I know there is much to learn from each other if we can make a truce. We can find a way to Co-exist. can there be a peace between us?
Alien: Peace? NO PEACE!
President Whitmore: What is it you want us to do?
Alien: Die…die…

The movie was full of great lines like that:

Albert Nimzicki: Two words, Mr. President: "Plausible deniability".

Anchorman: Once again, the L.A.P.D. is asking Los Angelenos not to fire their guns at the visitor spacecraft. You may inadvertently trigger an interstellar war.  

Julius Levinson: What's the matter with you?
David Levinson: Genius.

And "welcome to Earth, What the hell is that smell?, I know you just didn't shot the green shit at me, I guess I'll leave this with you"

Sorry, back to the sequel

We are sorry to say that it seems the only thing the sequel gave us was a lighter wallet. It followed a disturbing trend in  Hollywood called "lets pretend the other move didn't happen that way" or "the writers never saw the first move" syndrome. (for more information on this check with our friend Auntie Meme [full disclosure, she is not really a friend; we are kind of stalking her]) The plot went from an alien race that moves its civilization from planet to planet, using up resources and leaving destruction in its wake to a mining operation. It went from a biblical disaster flick to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The CGI was cartoon quality, it didn't seem to react to the environment. The acting was cartoon quality; it didn't seem to react to the environment. The dialogue was cartoon quality, the words didn't seem to react to the environment. It was a bad movie, not just because we loved the first one so much but it wasn't good. The new characters were one trick ponies and mostly annoying. You couldn't really root for any of them outside of they were good looking. the new side kicks were even more annoying and had no purpose.

And still no Shirtless Goldblum